If you’re a human who’s ever been owned by a dog, you know the truth: you do not walk the dog. The dog walks you. And if you’ve ever experienced the joy of trying to keep up with a dog on a walk, you know exactly what I mean.
I’ve had my share of canine companions—Daisy, Lizzie, and Maggie—who’ve all walked me in their own special ways. Most recently, I’ve been reintroduced to the art of dog walking by Opal, a hyperactive Chihuahua adopted by my younger daughter’s family.
Here are my expert tips on how to really be walked by your dog:
Tip No. 1: You do not walk a dog. The dog walks you.
It’s a fact. Dogs have an innate sense of direction (or more likely, a powerful GPS, aka “Global Pooch System”) that leads them to the best spots, which typically aren’t the places you want to go. As they race from one interesting smell to the next, you find yourself desperately trying to keep up.
Tip No. 2: When a dog does its business
It’s a delicate matter. Dogs couldn’t care less about your embarrassment as they relieve themselves in public. But you? You must pretend to be oblivious and carry on with your very important task of standing still and waiting. Meanwhile, you can hear the dog impatiently saying, “Woof woof!” (Translation: “Hurry up, human!”)
Tip No. 3: Always carry a doggy bag.
Not the kind you get from a restaurant (that’s for you). A real doggy bag—one that, for some reason, is always incredibly difficult to open. As you fumble with the bag, your dog, now fully aware of the inconvenience you’re facing, will tug at the leash to drag you along.
Tip No. 4: Be prepared to stop and smell the flowers.
Or, in the case of dogs, the trees, bushes, rocks, and pretty much anything else. Dogs are dedicated scent-sniffers, and they will stop approximately every eight feet to investigate their surroundings. In fact, a simple walk could take longer than an entire Super Bowl broadcast. But, hey, they have their priorities, and you are merely the one who follows them around while they do their investigative work.
Tip No. 5: Be prepared to sprint and suffer permanent injuries.
If you’re on a walk at your dog’s home turf, you’re in for some serious exercise. The dog will likely suddenly take off like a race car, pulling you along for the ride. The resulting sprint will most likely end in shoulder dislocation, a racing heart, or a faceplant into the pavement. In one recent walk with Opal, I was chasing after her while trying to avoid hitting trees, cars, and whatever else came into my path. It was like an obstacle course, but with more fur and less coordination.
So, there you have it—my expert tips for surviving a walk with your dog. Remember, it’s not really about exercise or enjoyment for you. It’s all about your dog’s adventure, and you’re just along for the ride. As Opal would say, if she could talk, “When you gotta go, you gotta go!”
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